A Grindr hookup that went wrong. A story of rape that ruined soul and body. Victims never fully recover from rape – mentally at least. It is obvious that the author of this story is anonymous. Who wants to share stories like this one with his name in the signature box? As a matter of fact, most of gay guys that experience rape neither report it or talk about it. That makes the pain even harder.
I was born in 1991. Surely, I remember a world without social media. I also can say with increasing certainty the world I remember from my childhood and early teens seems to be moving farther away as the days and years go by.
As you get older, you don’t meet people like you used to. When you’re young everything and everyone is new and exciting. The time and opportunities for those friendships to develop seems to grow thinner like oxygen as you ascend a mountain as you age.
There’s still a handful of stalwarts, but mostly it’s a series friend requests, short pithy instant messages, and posts.
Avatars for a real life.
I don’t remember a life before hook-up apps and social media. Or I vaguely recall it. However, I can’t imagine how we navigated it or how we could go back. There was something to be said. More than something. Everything to be said about going to a gay bar with your friends and meeting someone new.
Now many of us don’t even have to leave our couch to snag a date or more accurately a hookup, or whatever.
I just accepted that as the way things were now.
But I learned the hard way what is missing in these digital interactions and hours of scrolling and notifications: body language, demeanor, energy transfers.
A whole intuition-al knowledge of the person you are interacting with. You are left with just pictures and words on a screen that paint a picture.
And pictures and words can be about real events, but more often than not, the narratives are fiction.
I am an introvert with some extroverted tendencies. I enjoy my solitude and peace of mind on the daily but I thrive and live off of the deep connections I do keep with the special people within my life.
That is why using apps like Grindr never worked for me to well.
I was not there solely to find good dick or plump booty. That’s always a great reward, but I always have needed more than that. Even from a friends with benefits situation, I need to know you on some deeper level, feel comfortable enough around you, before we ever initiate a anything remotely sexual.
Grindr offers none of these things
Meeting someone at a bar, talking for hours, playing pool, creates a feeling of intimacy that puts you at ease, your intuition fully vigilant, being able to judge how safe you feel with someone before leaving the bar with them.
I never felt comfortable showing up at a strangers house for a hookup. But, I did it.
Why? I did it because for most gay men there is no other viable option. If you go to a bar and introduce yourself to strangers you are seen as “creepy” or “crazy” nowadays.
Social media has become so ubiquitous and pervasive that we subconsciously vet friends and acquaintances based on cursory glances at their avatars.
It almost makes us incapable of getting to know a real stranger naturally. Really getting to know someone from scratch is a lost habit these days. We always have some preconceived expectation of who someone is because in our mind we’ve already met them, through social media.
The worst case scenario, we tell ourselves, if those impressions are wrong you can always block, ghost, etc.
Looking for a friend and a sexual partner – A friend with benefits
I was on Grindr all the time back then. I would literally go through a day in a daze of dings and conversations that sometimes lasted minutes, but that could go on for days. Sometimes I felt so close I would allow myself to imagine all kinds of scenarios. Only for it to end suddenly and be left feeling empty.
I was not ready for a relationship or deep commitment but I was looking for a friend with benefits. One that was actually both a friend and a sexual partner. I would endlessly chat and chat and try to find someone who was looking for the same. Constant rejections and being shamed for being on the app yet not looking for anonymous hookups were a part of many of the conversations.
I remind myself all the time now that those messages couldn’t be further from a real conversation than an offer from a Nigerian prince.
So I wandered like a ghost through real life while carrying on thousands of virtual conversions. Always looking for something or a feeling. A positive response felt better than anything in the world. But the converse was also true.
I would often fall asleep with the app open. Just in case that perfect dude happened to find me.
Handsome and good with his words
One day an older handsome man popped up in my messages. He was built bigger than me, more muscle and slightly taller, a well kept beard, and kind face. I was instantly attracted. I always had a “daddy” fantasy in my arsenal of stories I told myself to get off. He seemed to be the ideal person to actually have this experience. Besides being unbelievably attractive, he was good with his words.
For a lot of those who use Grindr, grammatical correctness is not a top priority. Well crafted sentence will get me harder than a picture of your cock.
We talked for hours and hours so by the end of the night, between his words and his pictures, I was all for it. We agreed to meet up the following evening for some movies, food, and potential “fun”. If we felt comfortable.
I had work that morning and was supposed to go over to his place around seven.
We were in contact almost the whole day over Grindr.
His words and messages suggested he was still really into me.
He’d instantly put me at ease throughout the day, saying he was anticipating meeting up as much as I was.
He even insisted he was “more nervous than” me and I had nothing to worry about when I confessed my self consciousness about my caved in skinny chest when I imagined being naked together.
That day we were talking in away that I had never experienced. He disarmed me by confessing his insecurities being with someone as young and beautiful as me. Through that day long ongoing discussion we discovered a bit more about each other.
Clean and ready just in case
I learned he was a firefighter and a volunteer EMT. That made me feel so warm because I used to think only good people would take jobs like that. I got off work and went home to get ready. I ate a small snack, shaved, and hopped in the shower to freshen up.
And, I made sure to be ready for that night, being a bottom wasn’t always the easiest. We had not officially said we would be having sex but we did discuss preferences and positions, as well as if the mood was right we would both be willing.
That being said I wanted to make sure I was clean and ready down there. Hence the shaving down under and just a small snack with nothing for breakfast besides yogurt that morning. Figured by the time we got around to it the only thing substantial I would have eaten was the pizza we ordered together.
I asked for his address and waited what seemed an unusually long time to get a response. After obtaining the address I hopped in my car and headed out to his place. We had both agreed to meet there and he said he had an “awesome couch and big TV”. That would be “perfect for the movie and pizza party” we intended to have.
He lived a good 40 minutes from where I was at the time but it was a familiar area as I had once worked nearby.
I arrived at his house to find a pick-up truck with a firefighters’ light rack on the top in the driveway and instantly felt a sigh of relief. The presence of the truck meant that everything else he’d said was true.
Knocking on his door
Knock on the door. Then I waited what was probably less than two minutes but seemed like an eternity.
Was it odd that it even took that long for him to emerge from the split level ranch with the aluminum siding that looked like every other house in the neighborhood? He texted an apology and said he “had to prepare.”
I was feeling more confident and happy that I had taken over 45-minutes to make sure every part of my very much styled hair-do was perfect.
When he opened the door his smile was so inviting and as I offered a hand shake, he slapped my hand away and gave me a tight hug that made me feel so good in an era where people barely press flesh when they hug, treading so lightly as t not potentially offend or open ourselves up.
He pulled me in and and I will always remember the sounds of the outer storm door’s lock clicking. I thought of that scene in Watchmen where Dr. Manhattan is building the watch. I saw all these gears clicking and grinding in my head. Locking out the bad of the outside world into just the island of security of his house, the safety of inside.
He swung me around only a few feet to the right of the door into the kitchen where I saw a pizza already waiting.
I remember thinking that was kind of odd.
He told me that he had decided to have it ready because he didn’t want “to waste any more time”.
The pizza was still warm, so I ate it…
He explained he just decided to use the message that I had sent him last night, of me telling him my favorite pizza toppings, and use that as what we would order. I felt mixed about this instantly! One part of my brain telling me this was fucking weird as fuck while simultaneously feeling warm that he’d been so thoughtful about the toppings.
The second part of the story is coming soon.