Most gay men get fucked at some point in their lives, although research indicates that about one gay man in seven has never experienced it . For some men, the thought of getting fucked can be scary, and so below you will find information about how to do it safely and comfortably. However some men do not enjoy being fucked and, if you don’t want to, you should not feel pressured into it. There are other things that you can do. Getting fucked without a condom is the sexual activity with the highest risk of HIV transmission. If you are HIV-positive there is also a risk that you can pass HIV on to your partner if he fucks you without a condom. Being on treatment for HIV and having an undetectable viral load makes transmission less likely. Using condoms and lube correctly can prevent HIV from being transmitted when you get fucked.
Fucking is like decorating – it’s all in the preparation. Taking the time for foreplay will make fucking much more comfortable. This can include rimming, gentle fingering, lubrication, patience and listening to each other and responding appropriately. Making sure you take the time to do these things can also help the sphincters relax and reduce the amount of pain and discomfort men experience when having anal sex.
Different positions will be more comfortable for different couples, depending on the angle of the erection and the curvature of the penis. Any position where your knees are bent and drawn into your chest, whether you are kneeling, lying on your back or on your side, will probably lead to a more comfortable fuck, or will be a good position to start from. This position will straighten out the anal canal and the pubo-rectal sling will draw back to allow smoother entry to the arse.
If you are relaxed, then you will find it easier and more comfortable to get fucked (yes, this is what Frankie Goes to Hollywood were singing about). Deep breathing can help you to relax and allows the arse to relax too. Take your time and make sure you feel comfortable, physically and emotionally. If you’re feeling tense or pressured, it’s going to be harder for you to enjoy yourself. If you’re struggling to accommodate his cock, try clenching your sphincter muscles around it, and then letting them relax.
Use water-based or silicone-based lubricant if you’re using latex condoms. Avoid using any lube with nonoxynol-9 in it, as it irritates the lining of the arse and may make sex more painful, as well as making transmission of HIV easier . There is more information on which lubes to use in the HIV and AIDS section of this site.
A healthy rectum usually only contains shit when the bowel is full and so there is little need to wash it out. If you feel better doing this, or if you are embarking on ‘deep arse play’ (e.g. fisting) then you may want to douche. We recommend that you only ever use plain, clean water, preferably at body temperature. However, douching (even just with water) can irritate the lining of the arse, making it more vulnerable to infections, including HIV . You do not need antiseptics, disinfectants or anything else in a douche, as they can all irritate the lining of the arse even more.
Also, it is not recommended to use douches that attach to the shower, for a number of reasons (variable water pressure, you can’t control the amount of water that goes in, difficult to keep clean). If you do want to douche then use the small bulb douche (some men use these to squirt lube up their arse) or the gravity fed bags. You can buy over the counter douches that usually contain ‘additions’ to help with things like constipation. Throw the additions away and rinse out the tube/bulb before you douche.
Going to the toilet
There will only be shit in the anal canal if you need to take a shit. When anything goes into your arse (a cock, dildo, finger) it triggers the same in-built sensory response that occurs when you need to take a shit. This is because the anal canal is full, so the brain reacts as if the rectum is full of shit, even when it is not. Once you are used to this feeling it becomes less of a worry but it can help if you clear the passageways (take a dump) before having sex. Try not to force it – if you need to go, you’ll know. If you get this sensation when a cock is going in your arse, relax and remind yourself that it’s OK – your arse is full, but only with cock.
Needing to piss
Getting fucked can also make you feel like you need to take a piss. This commonly occurs in positions where the receptive partner is on his back. What’s happening here is that the bladder is resting directly on to the rectum. As his cock (or a sex toy) pushes into the arse, it’s effectively pushing the bladder up, prodding it. This prodding gives the sensation that you need to piss. If your bladder is empty, you will probably find that adopting a different position will make a difference.
We all know that different men like different things. The more experience a man has of anal sex, the more likely he is to know what he likes or needs to enjoy getting fucked. Work on asking for what you want or telling your sexual partners what you need. If you both talk about what you want, or don’t want, it puts you in control of the sex you have and makes it more enjoyable.
Drugs and chems
Some men use drugs to enable them to enjoy anal sex more. Using drugs may reduce the user’s judgement, abilities and inhibitions, so that they do things on drugs that they wouldn’t normally consider. Drugs can also lead to longer and more intense sex sessions, which can cause condoms to break if there are not changed regularly, or make the transmission of HIV and other STIs more likely if condoms aren’t used.
Poppers (amyl/butyl nitrite) is a common drug used during sex and it can increase the pulse rate, cause dizziness and relax involuntary muscles – especially the blood vessel walls and the anal sphincter. Poppers has been linked with an increased risk of HIV transmission when used by a negative guy being fucked by a positive guy without a condom . This may be because poppers can cause the blood vessels in your arse to dilate, which gives the virus a better chance of getting into the bloodstream. It may also be linked to the fact that poppers can relax the arse muscles making it easier for some men to get fucked, and for longer. You should never use poppers in combination with Viagra or other anti-impotence drugs as their interaction can cause heart attacks.
Ketamine is also used by some men for sex and it belongs to a class of drugs called ‘dissociative anaesthetics’, which separate perception from sensation. Other drugs in this category include PCP, DXM and nitrous oxide (laughing gas).
Other drugs used during sex include: GHB, ecstasy, grass/hash, coke, crack, crystal meth, Valium and Xanax.
You can get more info in our Alcohol and Drugs section.
Know your limits
Setting boundaries for yourself allows you to be in control of the sex you have. If you are confident in what you are and are not prepared to do, it will be easier to stick to the sex you want and ensure that the sex is as safe as you want it to be. As well as knowing your sexual boundaries, there are physical limitations you need to consider too, to avoid any damage to your arse. With time and experience, some men enjoy taking large objects (like big dildos or fists) up their arses, but there is a limit. Anything that goes up your arse has to go through the pelvic opening, which is about four to five inches across in diameter. Anything bigger than that will probably cause serious damage if you do manage to get it in.