I chatted with someone “different”, someone sticking out of ordinary crowd this morning on one of chat sites. It turned that he is writing blog but he is not doing it regularly and he is probably not even sure if he wants to continue it. He sent me link to his blog and I checked it out and found it to be interesting and writing of big questions we face daily going through our lives wherever we are and whatever we do. I suggested to him to continue writing and I hope he will follow my plea.
He is from Belgrade in Serbia and I am publishing part(s) of his blog. Google Translate proved to be pretty useless tool and I hope I could do better. He approved this and I hope he will read it too and continue writing.
So, here is my translation of his post translated in English and I am also publishing the original in Serbian language below. Anyone who might suggest better translation – please let me know.
I just realized I did not write anything for several days and started to choke in the absence of inspiration. Continue scrolling through Twitter and cam across this:
I looked at the picture for a moment and thought: “Another deep shit picture picked from Tumblr”. However, longer I looked at it the more meaningful it became and questions started going through my mind:
What I did not say?
Why I did not say?
What is the cost of not saying?
Is it ever too late to say?
Pictures of situations when I stayed silent started rolling through my head. Too much silence. Too many unsaid thing. Too many times turning head away and staying silent.
Why I did not say? Mainly for the same reason you stayed silent – the fear. Fear of losing the person, fear of offending someone I just stayed silent. And probably most importantly – out of fear of showing weakness. We are all afraid of exposure, a sense of all protective barriers being broken and falling down leaving us exposed and naked for others to judge. Fear of appearing soft and weak.
What is the cost of not saying? Failing to speak and say thing cost us often in material sense but let’s leave materialism and consumerism out of this. The real cost of feeling regret is much more important to me. And cost of losing things that cannot be measured with numbers and dollars. My silence cost me some wonderful people, wonderful moments, trust, love and probably success.
Just because of selfishness and fear from being exposed and vulnerable I lost some people who will never come back. Even if they come back it would not be the same. Many wonderful moments and opportunities went to dust blown by the wind. Love died before it was even born…. Just because I was silent and did not say what I feel and think.
Is it too late to say it now? It is the question ringing through my head like “what would be if…?” I don’t know the answer. It turned that I have missed the train while deciding in what direction to buy the ticket. Often I said it but later. Why was i doing it? I am not sure. I guess out of fear of losing that special one I tried to grab that last chance and straw. I am learning how to say things I feel and think now. It is probably life long process of learning how to say things at right time when they suppose to be said. And when is the right time?